Love: True Love

I have absolutely no inspiration for this blog. I just knew that I wanted to sit here and write. Generally when I write it is because I am angry which makes for angry postings (obviously).

I was looking at the title of my blog: Always Love. Hate Will Get You Every Time. It hit me- I never write about Love. Love is the only thing in society that should drive us.

"Love your neighbor as yourself..".

Love is mentioned over 500 times in the Bible. I'm not one to get super religious on life but that's a lot of love! Love does not have to just be between a boy and a girl. The best kind of love is between friends and family. True friends will never leave you. I have to say that I might be the most blessed person when it comes to love. I have friends and family who are there for me through thick and thin. I would love to write about each and every one of you who have supported me and been there for me. Loved me when I didn't love myself.

When I was little I used to stress out because I thought you were only allowed ONE best friend. Thank Jesus that's not the case! Most of my best best friends I have had for well over a decade. Once in a blue moon someone special comes into my life. But for the most part my friends are scattered across the country. All doing their own thing and all making me proud. I am honored to know each and every single one of you. We don't have to talk on a daily basis to know that we love each other. Lord knows that if I had to talk to my friends to keep up the relationships I would have no friends.

If you read my blog and think I am a dark soul- well maybe you are right but know I am capable of love. I love my friends and I love my family. You are my world and for that I am grateful.

Yours Truly,
Heather Renée

Dear Joy

Where did you go? It's almost like you left me. Just like happiness and hope.

I am hardly the person to be all down in the dumps. I wont claim to be the most optimistic person- I actually consider myself to be glass half empty. But I wont cry for your sympathy vote or write sometime just to make you ask.

Some nights I lay in bed. Just like this one. It's 3 am and I have watched every mindless entertaining show I could. All that I have left are my thoughts. I search through old pictures from a few years back and I just look at myself. I look at my smile and hardly recognize myself. Where did I go and who have I become? I suppose to someone who doesn't know me wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Even I can barely tell at times. But every once and a while I stop and look at a picture from long ago and just wonder.

I don't talk about my feelings. If you ask me- I am great. I am fine. For the most part on any given day that is not a lie. I am great and I am fine. You most likely wont see me cry unless I am in physical pain. (I don't have a high pain tolerance so that will most likely happen). You wont see me cry from hurt because I will always shove it away. Out of mind. Out of sight. If I don't see it then its not there. I know that any therapist I could ever talk to would tell me I am unhealthy. Well I don't need to pay someone by the hour to tell me that.

Joy, happiness, and hope are all childish fantasies that we are subjected to from day one. There is no Santa, Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy. This world is full of pain, sorrow, and disappointments. So why try to sugar coat it?

Too many people hope for the future but forget about the present. I choose to live today as it is right now. If I am happy I am happy. If I am sad I am sad. I wont worry about what I should be tomorrow because only time will tell.

These feelings of joy, happiness and hope are all subjective. Take away your happy circumstances and what do you have? Where is your joy, your happiness, and your hope.

Please don't say that I need help or that I need Jesus. These are purely my thoughts at 3 am early on a Saturday morning.

"Perfection obviously cant last forever."

This is from Good Will Hunting. A conversation between Will (Matt Damon) and Sean (Robin Williams)

Will: Yeah, I went on a date last week.
Sean: How'd it go?
Will: It was good.
Sean: Going out again?
Will: I don't know.
Sean: Why not?
Will: Haven't called her.
Sean: Christ, you're an amateur.
Will: I know what I'm doing.
Sean: Yeah.
Will: Yeah. Don't worry about me. I know what I'm doin'. Yeah, but this girl is like, you know, beautiful. She's smart. She's funny. She's different from most of the other girls I've been with.
Sean: So, call her up, Romeo.
Will: Why? So I can realize she's not that smart, that she's fuckin'
boring? Y'know--I mean...this girl is like fuckin' perfect right now, I don't wanna ruin that.
Sean: Maybe you're perfect right now. Maybe you don't want to ruin that. I think that's a super philosophy, Will. That way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody.
My wife used to fart when she was nervous. She had all sorts of wonderful idiosyncrasies. You know what? She used to fart in her sleep.
Sorry I shared that with you. One night it was so loud it woke the dog up. She woke up and gone like "oh was that you?" I'd say yeah...I didn't have the heart to tell her...Oh God...[laughing]
Will: She woke herself up?
Sean: Yesssss. Oh Christ....aahhh, but, Will, she's been dead two years and that's the shit I remember. Wonderful stuff, you know, little things like that. Ah, but, those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. That's what made her my wife. Oh, and she had the goods on me, too, she knew all my little peccadillos.
People call these things imperfections, but they're not, aw, that's the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we let in to our weird little worlds. You're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense.
This girl you met, she isn't perfect either. But the question is:
whether or not you're perfect for each other. That's the whole deal.
That's what intimacy is all about. Now you can know everything in the world, sport, but the only way you're findin' out that one is by givin'
it a shot. You certainly won't learn from an old fucker like me. Even if I did know, I wouldn't tell a piss ant like you.
[Will smiles]

L.I.F.E

(And the questions that can't be answered)


Everyone changes at some point in their life. Some mature an evolve into something great. Others almost retract and morph into someone that is almost unrecognizable. What happens when you realize that the person that you love is no longer the person you fell in love with? Are you under some kind of obligation to love this new person who you are unfamiliar with? What was the reason for the change? For many its the people around them. Who are you surrounding yourself with that you would change your views just to be accepted by those people. Sometimes its not even something that you would know you are doing.

I was once in love with a boy. This boy had all the qualities I desired. A deep passion for those around him- his family and his friends. Such high standards that I felt a sense of accomplishment because I met those standards. Perfection obviously can't last for forever. Slowly this person changed, transformed, and morphed into someone I now realize that I don't know anymore. Was it just maturing and growing up into the person he was meant to be? Those standards that were so high are non-existent. Everything that I loved. Everything that I respected in this person is no longer present in his life.

Stop holding on to past loves. They will never be that person that you hold so highly in your mind. Let it go.

What happens when you just flat out fall out of love with someone? What happens when the person you promise to spend your life with no longer fills that role in your life? Do you stop trying to make things work?

There are so many uncertain situations in life what is worth it and what is not. Is it even possible to recover from a broken heart? Or do you just pick up the pieces and wait for someone else to toss them on the ground.

Can you ever fully love someone unconditionally?

All we need is L.O.V.E

All you need is love. All you need is love
All you need is love, love. Love is all you need

The Beatles said it best in their 1967 hit so appropriately named- All You Need is Love. But what does that truly mean? I am not talking about the love of a man to a women, a man to a man, a women to a women or a parent to a child. I am talking about the love from one human to another. I absolutely believe that this country has lost complete sight of that.

I recently watched Michael Moors 2007 documentary SiCKO and my eyes were completely opened. I have to admit that growing up- or at least as long as I can remember- I have been incredibly blessed to have total and complete heath care. I have never come across a situation that my insurance did not cover. I have never had to stay awake at night wondering how I would have to pay a medical bill. Of course I was not completely oblivious in thinking that everyone had it as good as I did. But I did not know the complete reality until watching this film.

Regardless of your political background I highly recommend watching this film. I promise that when you are finished you will not have a dry eye. My first reaction was anger. I was furious that a country that claims to be free for all would allow their citizens to be completely neglected. My second reaction was sadness. I was sad for the individuals who lost their homes because of unpaid medical bills. I was heartbroken for the families that lost love ones because their claim for costly surgeries that could cure their cancer had been denied. My third reaction was: How the hell do I get out of this country!

I would never take for granted my upbringing or the country in which I grew up. I would simply prefer to be in a country where people care about one another. If one day I choose to have children I would want for them to care for the human race. This country is full of money hungry individuals who will stop at nothing just to make another dollar. Even if that means seeing the "little guy" trip and fall. We are capable of change. We are capable of care. We are capable of love.

A.D.D.I.C.T.I.O.N

ad⋅dic⋅tion  [uh-dik-shuhn]

–noun
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

I recently realized that I have a slight addiction. There is no cure. No 12 step program and no rehab getaway. There is virtually nothing that can be done. I will admit that it's nothing as sever as Agent Mulder and his recent addiction or even Lindsey Lohan and one of her many addictions. But the first step in recovery is always admitting you have a problem.

I realized while cleaning out my purse, a dangerous task to do, that I have more chapstick then the average person. I started pulling them out and placing them on the table at the International House of Pancakes. One... Vaseline. Two...Soft Lips. Three...Burts Bees Medicated. Four...Aveeno. Five...Blistex Lip Medex. Six...Soft Lips (yes- again). Seven... Burts Bees Original. Eight...Arbone Sheer Shine. Looking down at the mess I have made while waiting for my pancakes I become slightly embarrassed.

Honestly- who could be this obsessed with chapstick that almost every time they are at Target they pick up a new brand? My lip prints are barely even on any of them! You can hardly tell how many times I have swirled my fingers in the Vaseline or Blistexs. My boyfriend sitting across the table from me was shocked and quickly swipes a soft lips. At least that's one less to worry about.

I find comfort in my chapsticks. Whenever I get nervous I pull one out and put some on. If I happen to not have my purse on me my lips start to dry up almost immediately. If I am digging in my purse most likely I am looking for the perfect lip moisturizer. Needless to say- if you have chapped lips, swing by my way. I'm sure I will have something that you need. As far as curing this addiction- I'm not too worried.

T.W.E.N.T.Y 5

If you know anything about me you know that I don't do surveys or questionnaires, and I don't post bulletins. This blog is my first step of conformity.

25. I had a dream about doing this survey which is probably why I am doing it.

24. I know everyone says that they have the best friends in the world. But I really have the best friends in the world. I don't see or talk to them nearly enough but I miss them and love them all.

23. I secretly hate that all of the music that I have been listening to for years is now popular and "every ones" favourite song.

22. I try to spell favorite like favourite, color like colour, and honor like honour. I would say mobile instead of cell phone and ring instead of call but those just make me sound pretentious.

21. I can eat sunflower seeds like a boy.

20. My tops to bottoms ratio is very off. There is just something in me that will always buy denim over tops. I guess its because in my mind all of my jeans look great with a hanes V neck and scarf. Its really the shoes and jeans that make all the difference

19. I am a denim SNOB. Its gotten even worse. Ksubi and 575 is all I like.. Nothing else fits me. Or so I think...

18. My boyfriends sister has taught be to keep all of my shoes in boxes. It just looks cooler in your closet.

17. I am probably that one girl in the world who actually doesn't care that much about Valentines day.

16. The above is not saying I don't love flowers because I do. Purple roses and sunflowers please.

15. I hate moving. There has not been a year in the last 5 years and I have not moved. Multiple times.

14. I like tea more than I like coffee. Ice tea from Coffee Bean and hot tea from Starbucks. If it has ball ice it makes it even better.

13. I have two dogs who I love very much.

12. Spin and Yoga are the only types of physical activity I will do without a personal trainer.

11. I know a lot of people that are either getting married or having babies and it really doesn't make me want either.

10. I always walk out of Target spending more money than I wanted to.

9. I will eat cabbage salad above anything else I make

8. I miss playing quinn with libby

7. I love rain but only if its a lazy Saturday.

6. I have never dyed my hair.

5. I have beautiful friends who write beautiful blogs

4. I have been stopped a few times on the streets to be photographed for my style. I'm not bragging. I am generally embarrassed but secretly love it. I feel like its training me to be photographed for the Sartorialist. (Sorry Lib- I'm not copying you- Its just also one of my goals)

3. I read post secret every week. I used to have a notebook full of secrets I would one day make and send in. I have yet to do it.

2. If you ask me where I want to go to eat I will say Sushi.

1. I didn't want to put this on facebook because too many people would see that I did it. :)