Dear Joy

Where did you go? It's almost like you left me. Just like happiness and hope.

I am hardly the person to be all down in the dumps. I wont claim to be the most optimistic person- I actually consider myself to be glass half empty. But I wont cry for your sympathy vote or write sometime just to make you ask.

Some nights I lay in bed. Just like this one. It's 3 am and I have watched every mindless entertaining show I could. All that I have left are my thoughts. I search through old pictures from a few years back and I just look at myself. I look at my smile and hardly recognize myself. Where did I go and who have I become? I suppose to someone who doesn't know me wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Even I can barely tell at times. But every once and a while I stop and look at a picture from long ago and just wonder.

I don't talk about my feelings. If you ask me- I am great. I am fine. For the most part on any given day that is not a lie. I am great and I am fine. You most likely wont see me cry unless I am in physical pain. (I don't have a high pain tolerance so that will most likely happen). You wont see me cry from hurt because I will always shove it away. Out of mind. Out of sight. If I don't see it then its not there. I know that any therapist I could ever talk to would tell me I am unhealthy. Well I don't need to pay someone by the hour to tell me that.

Joy, happiness, and hope are all childish fantasies that we are subjected to from day one. There is no Santa, Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy. This world is full of pain, sorrow, and disappointments. So why try to sugar coat it?

Too many people hope for the future but forget about the present. I choose to live today as it is right now. If I am happy I am happy. If I am sad I am sad. I wont worry about what I should be tomorrow because only time will tell.

These feelings of joy, happiness and hope are all subjective. Take away your happy circumstances and what do you have? Where is your joy, your happiness, and your hope.

Please don't say that I need help or that I need Jesus. These are purely my thoughts at 3 am early on a Saturday morning.